Previously when I have let some walls down and posted something deep and meaningful it felt so good! Cathartic and a relief that the thoughts were finally outside of my brain!
I’ve come to realise that I’ve been in a self induced hibernation for a few years, it wasn’t conscious, it was a safety thing. Triggered by two huge life events. Firstly, the passing of my Pa (Grandpa). As with any kind of grief it takes years and layers of feelings to make any sense of it, and even then I wouldn’t say it will ever make sense but the significance of his place in my life seems a lot clearer. Growing up we had a really close relationship with our grandparents. Pa was part of a Saturday night ritual which involved late afternoon drives up the freeway with Mum, Dad and my brother to Ma & Pas’ house. Pa and Dad would go and get some takeaway, usually it was Hungry Jacks for us kids. Paper crowns and kids meals with a toy were highlights. Hey hey its Saturday was on and if we stayed long enough I remember feeling really sleepy as The Bill came on. Hazy blinky eye’d drives back across the freeway, that Windmill thing with fairy lights near South Perth and occasionally checking to see “how” asleep my brother was.
The comfort, warmth and happiness in these moments is unmeasurable, a huge gift of family given to us which I’m deeply grateful for, memories that could soothe anything and the hope to one day bring this kind of joy to my own children. When he left I feel like some of those moments went away for a while, or it hurt to think of them but now they are fondly recalled without tears (mostly) and they’re back and cherished even more.
Secondly, the whole eyelid skin cancer thing. It’s safe to say that no one knows how big this was for me, in fact I’m only just feeling how big this was. In my original post about this, I let it all out, I told the truth and boy oh boy did that feel amazing. I’ve recently come close to a 360 on this which is why I feel its time to put it to bed. Which is nice to say because it took a long time to unravel the pain (and beauty) that came from the whole ordeal. As I put this to bed I realised that I’m coming out of something which I can only explain as hibernation, it has literally been years. I created a “thicker skin” around me for safety and comfort, my world became a lot smaller, socially I shut down and for the first time in my life aeroplanes scared me. I know this now because all of a sudden I’ve started to dream about travel again, not on a huge level because I truly do love my life in my new house with my new husband and fur babies… but I miss Melbourne, I can’t wait to take Todd there and show him where I used to live. I hope one day to goto Canada and New York, take my own kids to Disneyland, discover new places and perhaps just make my world that bit bigger again. A good place to start is more time with friends, fun dates with my Husband and all that serious adult stuff can take a back seat for a while.
I regret nothing, am humbled by the lessons and need to sit with this a while longer to really appreciate the blessings as well.
Thanks for listening.